Better Parenting Tip: A parent’s love should be unconditional. Is it really?

A parent’s love should be unconditional. Is it really? How much did it mean to you as a child, to know that your parents love was unconditional? It did not matter what you did, they would still love you for who you are.

My 3 nephews had a sleep over this week, increasing the tally to 8 males within my house for the evening, with all very excited as this is not a common occurrence. We all sat at the table to eat our dinner and I started the table conversation with the littlest ones. “What happened at school today” I asked and the conversation progressed. My eldest came to the table a little late as he was studying and a nephew burst into laughter “He's got a pony tail, he's a girl” he stated. My son did not care about the comment as he thinks he looked like Brad Pitt, but this started a long conversation about gender specific ideals. This is typical for the younger age (2-3 year old) thinking that long hair makes you a girl and short hair makes you a boy. My nephews giggled and chatted as we discussed that the only thing that makes you a boy is a “penis” and the only thing that makes you a girl is a “vagina”, well this also created giggles.  We discussed many things like men in Scotland wear kilts, movie stars wear makeup, etc. After dinner the children were asked to clean their teeth but Dad had not packed the tooth brushes, so I asked my nephews to choose a new one from a packet. One of my nephews looked at the packet and looked up at me as he summed up the colours on offer. “But not the pink one” he stated. I told my nephew that he could choose any colour he liked and if he wanted to choose the pink one he could choose the pink one. Well he chose the pink one and went into the bathroom. He whispered to his brother but loud enough for me to hear in the hall way “I like pink”. 

We want so much for our children to have every opportunity they can possibly have, to have the best education possible and the best career possible. We need to be careful that this does not put additional pressure on our children to make the right choices, choose the right friends, choose a well paying career, have a nice house, have a great career, have great holidays, have a nice car and have the latest phone.

We want our children to know that we love them unconditionally. That if they want to drive a garbage truck, be a vet, wear a skirt, be a builder, climb Mount Everest, be a Chief, choose a pink tooth brush or be an Olympic swimmer that they can, they can do anything and be anyone they like. It’s up to us to instil these ideals and belief that we want them to be happy, that they can only do their best, everyone is different and that is okay too. Remember, the 7th way to build “resilience” last week was developing self confidence. 

Better Parenting Tip: What does resilience mean?

What does resilience mean?

The ability to cope with stressful situations, Being able to shrug off something nasty that another child has said, Seeing something negative and being able to move on, Being able to bounce back after you have been knocked down.

Some children are more resilient than others. The following link looked at children who have had to cope with divorce, separation of parents, parents with mental health issues, children who have suffered from trauma, poverty, maltreatment or being in the care of a parent who is under major stress. These children gave the best indication of how children build resilience. Which children went on to be successful and which children dropped out of school, have teenage pregnancies or do gaol time, etc.

Your child does not need to go through trauma, poverty nor divorce to build up resilience. On the other hand if your child does at some stage have to deal with any of the above, how can you ensure that they go on the build resilience and are successful in their own right.

The children who have

• care & support
• love & trust 
• encouragement

from both within and externally from the family are the ones that build resilience. This is one of the reasons why quality child care or a great school is just so important for your child.

Resilience is built up from focusing on positive results, building a close bond with at least one person, having humour in their life, but also having a positive view of themselves.

The American Psychological Association suggests "10 Ways to Build Resilience", which are: maintaining good relationships with close family members, friends and others;

• to avoid seeing crises or stressful events as unbearable problems;
• to accept circumstances that cannot be changed;
• to develop realistic goals and move towards them;
• to take decisive actions in adverse situations;
• to look for opportunities of self-discovery after a struggle with loss;
• developing self-confidence;
• to keep a long-term perspective and consider the stressful event in a broader context;
• to maintain a hopeful outlook, expecting good things and visualizing what is wished;
• to take care of one's mind and body, exercising regularly, paying attention to one's own needs and feelings.

Read more research into building Resilience at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_resilience

BETTER PARENTING TIP: TEACHING CHILDREN RESPONSIBILITY.

TEACHING CHILDREN RESPONSIBILITY.

IT HAS AMAZING BENEFITS, IT CAN BUILDING CONFIDENCE AND SELF HELP SKILLS IF DONE WITH SUPPORT AND GUIDANCE.

Many teaching staff will tell you that children’s academic achievements at school will improve for children once they take responsibility for their own learning.  What about life skills and time management? These will also improve once children are able to take on a level of responsibility. So how do we achieve these outcomes?  Many parents out there will be thinking “pet”; my words of wisdom here are don’t do it unless you are prepared to do all the work. Pets are a fantastic learning opportunity and a great way for children to learn about responsibility but maybe wait until 7 or 8 years of age, this is a big step. Have you thought about pocket money? Giving your child a job around the house to earn pocket money can have great learning outcomes for older children. Learning the value for money, saving up for something they really want, budgeting, and also contributing to the running of the house. This only works if you follow through with the goods. Handing over of the money and also setting aside the time to spend the money that they have earned.

I am sure that you had your own experiences as children and from these you will decide your own expectation of your own children.

My children are much older 17, 15, 13 and 4. I expect my children to do some things for nothing (I don’t want them to expect to be paid for every little thing they do) like garbage, dishwasher, feed the dog, recycle bin, hanging the washing out, etc. Other things they get paid for, like washing the car, cleaning the pool or mowing the lawn. Their rooms however remain their responsibility, if they leave their school bag in the hall I pick it up and put it in their room, if they leave their dirty clothes on the bathroom floor I pick them up and put it on the floor in their room. If their room is clean all week with the bed made every morning and vacuumed on the weekend they are rewarded with pocket money. I don’t ask and just shut the door as long as the rest of my house is tidy I am happy.

So where to start with your younger children? Helping make their own bed, if they do it by them self DO NOT redo it, with practice they will get better. They can put the knives and forks away out of the dish washer, set the table, tidy their room, vacuum their own room every second week (again DO NOT redo it), put their dirty clothes in the clothes basket, take their plate to the sink, wash themself in the bath or shower, I am sure you can think of other ideas.

Give lots of positive encouragement and tell them what a great helper they are. Be patient, focus on the positives, reward your child afterwards; not with money but with a story or building a train track together (you will have extra time to do this if everyone helps). Remember young children have little concept about money, you can give them 10 x 5c which seems like more that 1 x $2 coin. The value of money is something that is quickly learned about once they start school when they go to the canteen. Think about your expectations now and discuss this with your partner. Helping to contribute to the house is a great way to build self help skills, self confidence and resilience.

More on resilience next week.

Better parenting tip: Biting

Biting

By 2 years of age children are often starting to push the boundaries. This is when you need to sit down with your partner and come to an agreement on what is accepted by the both of you. This can be a great cause of conflict in a relationship and limitations need to be agreed upon regularly. These will change, as each time you get one thing sorted something else will pop up.

Give children of this age two choices, two that you are happy with. For example: (we are going out for lunch so the favourite jeans with a hole can't be worn),  “Do you want to wear the skirt with the spots or the pink skirt”. (Your child needs to have breakfast, this is not a choice), “Would you have Corn Flakes or Rice Bubbles”; “Would you like a bath or a shower?” This gives your child some control and allows them to feel empowered; again building their confidence. It is also about allowing them to make good choices, and you as the parent building trust in your child’s ability to make safe choices. So what do you do with the child who won't choose? Again two choices and two that you are happy with, “You have till the time I count to 3 or I will choose for you, One Two Three. Okay, lets wear the one with the spots. Nanny bought you this one it will make Nanny smile when we see her today.” Keep it positive, don’t get cranky, don't get frustrated, and just be matter of fact. As soon as you show cracks your child knows that you are a push over.

Following on from last weeks better parenting tip, 'Giving children two choices that you are happy with', we need to give our children skills, so that one day they are wise enough to make these choices for them self. “I have an assignment due on Monday and I really want to go to the Beach with Sarah on Saturday morning, Jenny has invited me to the movies on Sunday and it is Phoebe's Birthday Party on Saturday night”. Instead of you being the bad parent and saying “No, you are not going; you should have started the assignment weeks ago, I am tired of being on your back all the time... you are not going anywhere until it is done”. The choices that we give our children now set them up for life. Ask yourself... Do you want your child to take responsibility? Do you want them to be happy? Do you want them to have a good balance between friends and school? Do want them to achieve their best?

You can’t always do it for them, you need to give them responsibility, let them make choices and take responsibility. 

Terrible Twos?

Discipline under the age of 2 years of age. This is a wonderful age and I must say, my favourite. There is just so much learning & discovery happening every day. They are perfecting skills and they just make you laugh. When this age group are not doing the right thing, they simply need redirection.

What is redirection? Simple finding something else that will engage them that you are happy for them to do. So if they are banging a wooden block on your glass door because it makes a fabulous noise, give them a kitchen pot to bang the wooden block on, still makes a great noise and they are still learning about “Cause and Effect”.  Save “Stop” for danger. Running out onto the car park, touching the oven door or mums coffee mug.